Milestones

I'm not going to bury the lead on this one. Today would have been my 12th wedding anniversary.

I really wanted to write something deep and profound about milestones in our lives--how significant dates can commemorate the good and the bad--but all of the thoughts I had seemed to be pale and weak compared to the emotions that were behind them, and I knew that whatever I wrote wasn't going to be relevant or even interesting to anyone but me anyway.  So I'm going to write this for my own sake.  No childhood memories here, or moral to the story at the end--just me getting some stuff off my chest because I want to say it, even if I shouldn't any more.  It's how I feel, and I've had enough of holding that back.

I was never going to be one of those husbands that forgot his anniversary; July 28th was as important to me as my own birthday, maybe even more so, because it symbolized to me that someone was invested enough in me as a person to commit to being with me "as long as we both shall live" and all that jazz.  I didn't always have the greatest ideas for a gift, or activity to celebrate the occasion of our anniversary, but I always remembered, and always did something from the heart.  So even given the new circumstances of my life, I have to acknowledge the date in some way.

I wasn't home on our 10th anniversary, because I had to be out of town for work.  I know it probably wouldn't have changed anything, but even to this day I still wish that I'd been with her that night.  It bothered me then, and does so even more now, knowing that it was a milestone in its own right, and one of the last we'd have together.

I won't get into all of the drama of what happened to us, or who was at fault--we both hold our own share of the blame, and some of my own has been revealed on here before.  I know I can't go back, or start over--the papers are signed, the deed is done, the die has been cast, blah, blah, blah.  There are no do-overs in things like this.  There are too many moments that I'd have to go back and fix anyway (they keep me awake at night), but if it was at all possible, I'd sure as hell try.

All I can do is try to move on and forward as she has/is.  I'm a little behind the curve when it comes to that, and truth be told, a huge part of me didn't (still doesn't--let's be honest) want to.  At least not when it comes to letting her go.  As much as we've hurt each other emotionally, it hasn't changed what's at the core of me.

I have and will always love her.