"Row, row, row your boat...."

This song was stuck in my head this afternoon.  I was outside pulling weeds in the backyard on a rare sunny and warm April day in Oregon.  I haven't heard the song in probably years, but I found myself singing it.

So why, you ask, was "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" rattling around my noggin?

When I was 15 years old, I crashed a nearby neighbor's car into the fence of their front yard.  We were living in a rural area with dirt roads and few houses.  Their son had come over to our place, and offered to let me drive back to his.  I did fine driving the 1/2 mile from my house to theirs, but I took the corner into their driveway too fast, and smashed their family station-wagon into the steel tube fence by their front gate.  It's the type of fence you see in horse stables, if you've ever been around one.  Heavy, sturdy, and unforgiving.  I didn't total the car, but it was bad enough that they couldn't drive it for weeks.  And I hit the fence hard enough that, as tough as it was, I still broke it in several areas.

Being profoundly short of cash--we pretty much lived paycheck to paycheck growing up--I had nothing but apologies to offer the neighbors.  I gave them every last dollar I had ( I want to say it was around 40 bucks--a fortune for me at that time), and promised to work off the rest.  And I didn't tell my parents what happened.  I went to bed owning some of the worst emotions of guilt & regret I'd ever had in my short life up to that point.  I woke up several times that night wishing that the whole thing had been a dream, but facing the realization each time I woke that it was real, and I couldn't change it.
Wishing that life was "but a dream" at that moment--a bad dream.

That's how I've felt the last couple of days.  I've become aware of things that are directly out of my deepest fears, my worst dreams, but are in fact very, painfully, real.  I woke up several times last night--truthfully I was awake more than I slept--with images playing in my head that I can't shake.  And like that 15 year-old me, I longed desperately for it to not have been true each time I woke.

So as I was pulling weeds and picking up fallen and dried out pine cones, wishing that life was "but a dream."  But nothing merrily merrily merrily about it this week.

I was partially responsible for crashing this "car" too.  I know that.  I hit a turn in life that I hadn't had enough "driver's ed" to be able to handle.  And the fence wasn't ready either.

The last few days have been probably the worst emotionally, personally, mentally, that I've ever experienced.  It's going to take me time to get past it.  Thanks to those I've already spoken to in the last couple of days, and thanks in advance to those that I know will help me if/when I do reach out to you.

 I'm going slower behind the wheel now, especially the last couple of months, but I still take some corners a little too tight, and do some damage.  If you're one of the fences I crash into--I'm sorry.  Please know I'm not intentionally aiming at you.  Just trying to learn how to drive better than the 15 year-old me.  




 

Life sucks...

...and then you die.

Stanley's family dinnner....

A little more of young Stanley's adventures after his run-in with the barbed-wire fence.  Be warned, there are a couple words not appropriate for a PG-minded audience.

I re-posted the first couple of paragraphs for anybody that's actually reading this, so you don't have to keep track of where you are. 

           

*****The excerpts from this story have been removed in order to qualify for publishing the full story....*****

Once And Future Stanley

As promised (for those paying attention or even care), here are some short excerpts from my most current work.  Just enough to give you a little flavor of the story, without giving it all away. 

I was going to do a much shorter (and more impactful, in my opinion) sampling, but after the events in Boston today, I didn't think the timing would have been so good on my part.  So you get this.

If you like it, say so.  If you don't, you can tell me that too--I've worked retail & sales for over 20 years--I can take it.  All I ask is that you be respectful either way.

And, K~
If you're reading this--I've tried to keep my mind off of today's date, but it didn't work....  Just so you know.

Once and Future Stanley

*****The excerpts from this story have been removed in order to qualify for publishing the full story....*****

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."

Tomorrow night instead of thinking about what April 15th had meant to me (besides Tax Day) for the last 12 years (but has since gone wrong) I'll begin posting on here.  Sometimes I'll be venting, sometimes just asking questions to the world, or making observations on the things I see day to day.  And, every now and then, I'll be throwing some excerpts from some of my writing out to be viewed, reviewed, digested, and dissected.  Kind of like leaving the house without your pants--going to be a little exposed. 

Some of you closest to me have seen one or two of these.  A few that I used to work with have even seen a whole story in days gone by (but how many of you actually read it, I wonder?). 

Only one person has seen just about everything, and even they haven't seen the one I'm working on now since the core of it was written during the "dark times" this last year.  I might start with a sample from that one.....  

Some may ask why I don't just post it on FB like the rest of the world....  It has to do with copyrights and intellectual property--all very tedious and boring in the details, and about as clear as mud if you want to know the truth.  And beyond that, I just didn't want to go that route yet.

So April 15, 2013.  We'll see what misadventures await.